Jokes

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

They went over to the weight guesser.

He guessed 120 pounds.

She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Then the couple went on the Ferris wheel.

When the ride was over,  Joe again asked her what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went.

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked her, “where to next?”

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird so he took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

She responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy

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Bus ride home

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many highballs and some rather nice red wine.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

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Don't you just love to hear a bagpipe at a funeral?

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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From Psi,

        The Talking Dog

A man walked into a newspaper building with a dog. The man claimed that the dog could talk. A reporter agreed to run a story on the dog, provided that he hear it speak. With an air of pride, the man asked the dog, "What is just above us?"
The dog replied, "Roof!"
The reporter was not impressed.

Somewhat worried, the man asked the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" 
The dog responded, "Rough!" 
Again, the reporter wasn't amazed.

In desperation, the man asked the dog, "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog answered, "Ruth!"
The reporter finally had enough, so he kicked the pair out of the building.

As they sat dejected on the sidewalk, the dog turned to the man and asked, "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

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From my new neighbor Alan:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and

would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old

lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get

to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of

fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I would walk you there but I

am having trouble carrying all this stuff." 

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"  "Why thank you very much, that will work," he said and he proceeded to walk the old lady home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll get home in no time." The little old lady looked him over

cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of

paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

              -----------------------------------------------

As long as we’re into old stories here’s another one that was passed on to me recently by my brother Dave:

The Italian Fire Department

  

One dark night in the small New Jersey town, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. 

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me." 

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the fire grew. As the firemen arrived, the president said that the offer to rescue the secret recipes was now raised to $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of a nearby town whose volunteer fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 

To everyone's amazement the little run-down fire engine operated by these old Italians passed all the fire engines that were parked outside the plant, and with its brakes squealing it drove straight into the middle of the huge fire and stopped. 

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old men had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was increasing the reward to $200,000, and then he walked over to personally thank each of the brave old Italian firemen.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The  reporter asked the old Italian fire chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said the old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinga truck!" 

                   --------------------------------------------------

This following story is so old that I hesitated to repeat it but it is still funny:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian chief said "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.  In honor of our harvest festival you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you I grant you three requests. What is your first request?

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."  The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and Silver gallops away at once.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian chief admits he's impressed: "You have a very intelligent and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.  As before Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed: "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds: "I'd like to speak to my horse…alone."

The chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.  Once they are alone the Lone Ranger grasps Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says "Listen very carefully!  This time get it right!  For the last time…I said  'Bring POSSE !"

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The most aggravating puns I’ve ever heard....sorry to do this to you, but my friend Carl S. sent them, so they are HIS fault, not mine:

1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.  Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.  "Don't you know who I am?  I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."  

 

2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

3.  A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

4.  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

5.  Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.  The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

 

6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant.  The first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.  (Does anyone need help with this one?)

 

10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end  up leaving together.   They get back to his place,  and as he shows her around his  apartment  she notices that one wall of his  bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.  There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. 

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.  They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.  She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.  The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,  'Well,how was it?'  The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

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I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

  

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

Was learning cursive really necessary?

  

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

  

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

  

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

  

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

  

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

   

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

 

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

                ___________________________________________

A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,  mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"  As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"  

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

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(Lucky Viewers will notice that some numbers are missing in the list below.  This is because The Management EDITS out the un-funny stuff so that YOU, our Lucky Viewers, are always entertained to the maximum by Jim’s Fab. Website)

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. 30.You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
    

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These are supposedly actual letters that were received by Dear Abby:

Dear Abby,  

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I was married to Dan for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

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Guy asks: "Where is the Polish sausage?"

Clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I am. Why are you asking me?  If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't!"

Irritated, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because this is a hardware store."

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Three women died and went to heaven. They were delighted to have made it to heaven and St. Peter told them that there was only one thing they had to know:  they should avoid stepping on a duck.

They wondered what this was all about but when they went through the pearly gates they saw that there were ducks everywhere, walking around in big crowds of ducks.  The women were very careful not to step on a duck but the first day one of the women stepped on a duck and all at once there was a very ugly old man right next to her and he told the woman that they would now spend all eternity together.

A day later one of the remaining two women accidentally stepped on a duck and all at once a really disgusting looking and drooling and dirty old man appeared right next to her and he told the woman that they would now spend all eternity together. She was disgusted and so the third woman was very very careful not to step on a duck and she did not step on a duck and on the fifth day all of a sudden a magnificent young man with beautiful muscles and six pack abs appeared right next to her.

The woman could not believe her good luck and she was delighted that she had not stepped on a duck, and she asked the beautiful young man how it happened that he was now assigned to her and he said "I stepped on a duck."

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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days..

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son..

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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Just for your -- The Lucky Viewers of Jim’s Fabulous Website -- information and education, The Management of Jim’s Fab. Website has declared that the following joke is:

The Greatest Joke in the entire History of Jokes

A Labrador Retriever went to a telegraph office, took out a blank form and wrote, Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “That would make no sense at all.”

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I usually don't pass this type of thing along, but I thought this one was important:

A heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your lawn supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is darn near impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to a nearby McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, rubbing herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

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Teacher to 6 year old girl: What are you drawing?

Little girl: I am drawing a picture of God.

Teacher: But no one knows what God looks like.

Little girl: They will in a minute.

------------------------

My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I’m not finished."

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On the last school day before Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.  The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.  The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor salesman’s son brought up a heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.  She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 'Is it amaretto?' she guessed.

'No,' the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, 'Whiskey?'

'No,' said the little boy, 'It's a puppy!'

-----------------------

 

A blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

 

"No Honey, it is because you're 24."

-------------------------------

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.  We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

----------------------------

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead ! "

 -----------------------------

An old man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It only cost me four hundred dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 

'Twelve thirty' 

---------------------------

In 1986, Dan Wallace, a recent college

graduate was on holiday in Kenya.

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across

a young bull elephant standing with one leg

raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,

so Dan approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the

elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood

deeply embedded in it.

 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked

the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the

elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather

curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

 

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo

with his teenage son.

 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures

turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr.

were standing.

 

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot

off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several

times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help

wondering if this was the same elephant.

 

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and

made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the

elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted

again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed

him against the railing, killing him instantly .

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

-----------------------

Hollywood Squares:

These questions and answers are from the Days when  'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter

Marshall was the host asking the questions:

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under

water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least

how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking

should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000

years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way

sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you

probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger

at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it

okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you

get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get

Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from

the next apartment.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.

Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing

strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two

subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the

other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his

tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you

give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be

afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong

with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of

people?

A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your

body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly

isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put

horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,

your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for

its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is

up to him.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you

should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

----------------------------

Little Ralphy on Math:

Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F from the math teacher.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father. 

'That's exactly what I said!'

---------------------------------

Why?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

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